Otherwise Doomed to Futility

The interesting thing is, it's pride to think that any of our finite attempts at greatness will actually be great. We are doomed to futility, except God chooses to bring glory to Himself through our words, causing what we have made to transcend into a realm of eternal significance. Not because we are great...Not because we do a single impressive thing. But because we are empty vessels and He fills us with Himself--so that the surpassing greatness of the power would be from Him and not from ourselves.

...God is sovereign. Let's not fight Him for our futures.

Yet this isn't an excuse for apathy. I'm reminded of Jacob who wrestled with the pre-incarnate Son of God. When he discovered the identity of his opponent, Jacob then exclaimed, “I won't let You go unless You bless me!” That took guts, and God honored his initiative, blessing Jacob; but the blessing wasn't entirely what Jacob bargained for, being also blessed for the rest of his life with a dislocated hip. I think God instilled that “thorn in the flesh” as a reminder--Jacob was a finite human being who benefited from the blessing of an all-powerful, holy God...and with every labored step he took throughout his life, he could never forget the power that ultimately ruled over him.

So take the initiative. Work. But...it's God --it really, really, really is God-- who supplies results.

from Beauty from the Heart

Going

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
[Hebrews 11:8]

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.
[Tennessee Williams]

And on that note, I'm sending one of two college applications today!

God is God

This Sunday afternoon was mellow. My mom and I spent some time together this afternoon. At the gas station, I flipped on the Christian radio station while she was busy filling the tank. The following song was playing. It happens to be a previous favorite; but this afternoon it took on special meaning. More than just a song... a means of seeing a glimpse of an invisible God.

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for
to Him and through Him and from Him
are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone...

Okay, So now what do I do?

That's just one of the questions I was left with tonight after a ten minute conversation bringing back the reality of school. This summer has been full. The past month has been full. It could have even been alot more so if I had gotten my license by now... that's another story altogether. I've traveled several times, growing in decision-making, common sense, and wisdom in what it means to function well as a group and an individual apart of a said group. I am being challenged to see my family and home as a true training ground in responsibility, serving, diligence and having a joyful heart. My parents and I have grown closer through conversations in which they help me to see my sin and turn toward God; to trust Him in the circumstances I've been in. He's been at work.

That aforementioned conversation, which centered around the application process for colleges, has me thinking. Three years ago, I dreamed of attending an Ivy League school and was, if not already on that track, ready to put myself there- long, grueling hours, days completely full of schoolwork, dedication and excellence, or rather, excellence by my own perception and definition. Between then and now a story has unfolded.

Sophomore year was marked by falling asleep in my beanbag chair while reading biology or world history; I was sick with mono and I had no control or choice. I rearranged my bedroom to be able to do school and watch movies all from my bed. I saw Fiddler on the Roof for the first time during those months! God's grace shone as I completed four semesters of work in three. He showed me that it can be just as gratifying and beautiful to complete a requirement as to go beyond it.

Junior year is the hardest academically; senior year is the hardest emotionally.
Or so I'd heard. I still find myself analyzing that statement and rummaging through my mind to try to determine whether I'd say my life has agreed with that common generalization. Academically, wasn't my best. I had achievements... I got through APUSH. History and English/writing were solid core courses. Bible, volunteering and other electives were numerous. Amid that, it seems I didn't get all I needed and balance was lacking. Chemistry labs and Spanish were shady. But the Lord knows, and there lies my trust. Truth is truth, despite any fears. Emotionally- wow. We moved. I'd dreaded that event for my whole preteen and teen life. My childhood is over. We left the place where it happened; its memory. For the sake of honesty and reality, yes it would be memory still if we hadn't moved...

I held great plans for my schoolwork this summer; it was to be a launching point. None of them have happened yet. Not a single study book for the SAT or ACT test has been opened let alone registered for. Only two colleges have been visited. I have no idea how to write an application essay. I still have no solid idea for a senior project let alone any work done on one. The home economics course I finally sought to do has only sort of panned out. No garden, and a little reading. A desire to cook has emerged that I'd never really had, lots of cleaning has been done and much general care given as Mom's been sick. Faith is having hope for what one doesn't see... I don't see much; but God makes something out of nothing everyday.

Disclaimer: I would delve into the ways that this summer produced great things, despite my "great plans" not coming about... but that would take me into numerous other directions from where this thought train is heading. So. Ask, and sure, I will gladly tell some stories of the beautiful and lovely things that have come my way!

An underlying realization- I don't know what I am supposed to do. For months, I've been in a state of holding unanswered questions. Oh God has been good. He's shown me I truly am His chosen daughter. I am free from condemnation from sin; and do not need to fear making mistakes. I need not seek man's approval but rather if I shall open my heart to my Abba, Father and just be His, according to the glorious calling He has given me, all will be well. He is truly my best friend and only through His love for me do I love Him or anyone else. I spent last week being refreshed and anchored by truth and God's presence. "...and all my questions that are unresolved don’t change the wisdom of Your will..." -Out of the Depths Light is just starting to shine in this area. Every season has its purpose. 

He ordained that ten-minute conversation just as He has ordained my occupation with other areas of life outside of education the past few months. There is a reason I haven't thought of it and that I am thinking of it now. God is in control of time.

He's molding me, into what I don't know, but is that knowledge something I need?

Is not the process of creation just as beautiful, meaningful and adventurously challenging if not more than any finished piece of art?