First Day

Today was my first day of college. My thoughts become a whirling tornado when I make it sound official in that way. 

How would I describe the experience? Well, first off, I was nervous. I may not have admitted it should you have asked me, but I definitely was. A good friend invited me to ride the trolley in with her and walked me to my first class; I was -am still- so grateful!

At 10:00am, I sat in my math class ("Problem Solving with Creative Math"), listening to the teacher explain the syllabus. That was class; we went through the syllabus. I'm not planning to have a career which relies on an extensive knowledge of math, so I'm taking an easy course. I couldn't help feel that I'd taken a step backwards compared the work I did my senior year of high school in pre-calculus. Notwithstanding, the class fulfills the requirement and thus serves a purpose. 

During my break between classes, I spent time in the library. Writing a few longer letter emails to friends was accomplished. Afterward, I ate lunch which cost me just over $4.00: salad with all sorts of veggies piled on top. 

The day progressed with two more classes: English 101 & Sociology 101. My English professor was lively and full of laughter, yet she was serious when need be. From how things look at the moment, I'm going to like her class.  Sociology I'm not as certain about. As a field, sociology is prevalent to the job I've got my sights on, though, and this class will be a good beginning. 

Other words to describe today: tiring, liberating, surprising. 

Tomorrow I'll be headed to "Media & Society," "Biblical & Historical Perspectives," and "Strategies for Academic Success."

College is an opportunity... My earnest hope is to make the best of it, one day at a time!

To Look Back Upon

It's about time for some form of post! SO many things have happened... God has shown Himself vibrantly in the past months.

Yesterday, I became a licensed driver. The day before that, both Kevin and I had our braces taken off. It was an all day affair which included driving to Uniontown, eating chocolate covered pretzeling, watching Aristocats, coloring with colored pencils, and having lunch in a small Italian restuarant.

Community Day, our last scheduled day of fundraising for Zambia, was all day on Saturday. Though it was an exhausting ten hours, we raised $250 and did have fun in the process. A man from Ndola happened upon our table. He was stunned and honored to see a project taking place in his own town. He didn't want to leave and was eager to get involved. We exchanged information and hopefully can put him in contact with Covenant Mercies.

Last week, I officially graduated high school. The commencement, like the education of each graduate represented, was one of a kind. What a moment it was to hear my name, walk across the stage, and have my mom and dad hand me a diploma.... high school--it's the past.

Our family attended youth camp on June 21-24. I can't even begin to touch describing the pure fun of camp, what I learned, and how the Lord met me. It was monumental! Also included in the proceedings was the traditional group ice cream stop on the way home for some fabulous soft serve and ice cold water... yum!

On June 20th, my extended families came together to celebrate my graduation. LOTS of preparation went into the party the week of--cleaning, cooking, decorating, sorting photos, setting up tents, buying bubbles for the little kids. The food was delicious; all credit to my mom, grammas, and aunts. Knowing that each person at the party came to wish me the best was priceless. Years of sweet memories were represented by each person there. Having a party was a privilege, and the moments with my family were precious.

June 1st was my evaluation, the official last day of my home school education. Ten years of choosing curriculum, field trips, Little House on the Prairie unit studies, co-ops, art classes, Bible club meetings, lunch in the livingroom, and not eating lunch at all because of the workload. A smile always creaps onto my face when I think about my mom's story of how she hestitantly began homeschooling. To God be the glory!

That, my friends, is just a taste. My purpose in cataloging all this is simply to have a record to look back to. Dad and I will be boarding a plane to Zambia in five days. Adventure awaits! More importantly, we have faith that God has glorious stores of grace to pour out in diverse ways. There'll be more stories to tell and more events to catalog when we get home.

In the Mail

Just received my ice blue graduation gown! The yellow tassel came last week. Graduation caps - what funny looking items. I don't see myself wearing mine any longer than necessary. 

Momentous, momentous, I do believe. 

 

Perhaps I should have tweeted this lovely update. Just signed up on Twitter. Planning to at least use it during the Zambia trip if not before. This is the first mention of the Zambia trip on here.

 Yes, Reader, Dad and I are going around the world in July, to Africa. AFRICA! Why? I've asked the same question. How? I've asked that question too. Both are answered in the Lord. 

Now on to things with have their ending all too soon enough: school work. 

Too soon? Maybe not ;-]

it's coming... or maybe it's already here.

I finished my American Lit book today! It's now forward on to British. I wish I could think of some quote about marching on, Britain, troops...

I threw a baseball a few minutes ago. The boys are playing outside. 

Walking out to get the mail as become a habit; it's origin points straight to waiting for college acceptance letters. But even before that, at the old house, it was great fun to stand right inside the door, lean out and lift the lid to the metal mailbox. It was a familiar sound, a comfortable normal detail of life. Since we've moved, walking down the driveway to get the mail has served as five minutes to inhale, to step away for perspective and generally say hello to the neighboring houses and outside world. 

Today, I donned my blue Adidas sandals and worn grey sweatshirt for the venture. Old clothes are good friends. I grabbed a letter from one of the two universities I applied and am accepted. It's probably just another student-to-student letter. I laughed when I opened it standing in the kitchen; it was another acceptance letter. I laughed. It was the third or fourth acceptance letter they've sent me. I get it--you like me, I'm in, yes we can, okeydokey. 

A new hair cut has added interest to my day. I probably won't be wearing my hair in a bun so frequently. I woke up, let my hair down, and it was all over the place. Six inches disappeared with the stroke of Mom's comb and scissors. 

Have you smelled spring yet? The great February thaw occurred this week. I'm not sure that it's really all that "great," but it sounded official and annual. The sky is bright. The grass is muddy beyond muddy. I stuffed my scarf in my backpack this afternoon because I didn't need it; it was warm. A breeze races through your hair when you go out. Spring is riding on that breeze; it's coming. The lightness of nature is making me attitude light too or at least lighter.

I've gotten an atrociously small amount of schoolwork done today. As much as I see responsibilities calling in my thoughts for attention, I'm not wrapped up in the work. It is possible to enjoy something you are not consumed with. At least I would say and keeping hoping so from where I currently sit. My schoolwork is not overpowering, and I am still fighting to enjoy it. But today, there's a settled feeling that's right alongside of it all. Is this peace?

Lit, American p. 303-10

Light-bulb moment: I am enjoying my literature this year! I have thought and spoken multiples of multiples of times, specifically this past weekend, of my yet fulfilled desire to find enjoyment in my work.

"I have come to an applicable quote everyday for some time now... Transcendentalism, Emerson, Moody, Edwards, Rockwell...I've read great American poets, short stories, excerpt, sermons. I am liking this..."

Whether or not I like it, I have to do it. Liking it makes life so much more pleasant though... Hooray!

"Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

"As water cannot rise higher than its source, so the moral quality in an act can never be higher than the motive that inspires it." - A.W. Tozer

I found this quote applicable to the call to "pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America."What is the inspiration to do this remaking; how "high" is the source?

I need to get back to page 303...

In this Moment

Not seizing an opportunity feels lousy... disappointing. 

As I Wait

I read my email. I perused through google reader then I decided to browse The Rebelution.

...God’s promise is true when He says that everything works together for good for those who love Him and are called by Him — even repeated failure.

Failure is never wasted if we learn to do the following: (1) turn to God and become more reliant on Him, (2) learn from our mistakes, and (3) get back up and try again.

...what she hadn’t done before was to give things up to God. “Funny how we forget that sometimes,” she wrote, “I guess I’ll just wait until my next math test, study harder, and first and formost, give it to God.”

Gracie’s failure was invaluable because through it she learned to depend on God. Doing hard things has made her faith stronger and birthed in her the mindset of an overcomer, and that’s more important than all the success in the world.

When You Fail at Hard Things

I had two tests in pre-calculus before break. The first grade was no different yet no worse then what I've been getting. The second, I haven't seen yet. My "failure" hasn't had drastic consequences or a massive emotional impact on my life. But it hasn't had to. When you study as hard as you know how, ask questions, make the effort to get extra help and still don't get a higher grade, discouragement sets in. Browsing The Rebelution and reading that post helped!

How could I forget this part of the post. I've only felt the exact same way!

This last Saturday I was standing in line to take my SAT World History Subject Test, when a guy behind me started saying, “Yeah, World History is so easy. I didn’t even study for it and I scored 780.”

I wanted to strangle him.

When You Fail at Hard Things

Going

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
[Hebrews 11:8]

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.
[Tennessee Williams]

And on that note, I'm sending one of two college applications today!

Watch it here. 

Revolutionary Media + Education

What one thing would I do to change the world if I could?

What will I do about it?

-Christina Dickson for Revolutionary Media 

"Change the World, Today?" @ the Rebelution

I don't have answers to those questions. But I want them... real, and deep. As raw and strong as the emotions and struggles of kids like those pictured in that video- I want my answer, my conviction and my calling to be like that. 

I'm still left with the question: what will I do about it?

Another realization: College isn't just about college. So many people in our culture further their education because its the thing to do, for the sake of not being left behind. Only a percentage have a vision, whether it is a specific field or just a mentality, for an ends by which education should be a means. As Christians, how much more should we pray, should I pray, to obtain an education that God can use.

What kind of impact would it have if we each educated ourselves with the vision of providing with that education change, good, and hope for others?

It's a challenge to move beyond the fulfillment of goals and titles and say to the Lord, "Here I am, use me."

When we think of God as both Creator and Ruler of everything, "we are dealing with a non-human level of dealing with life."

-Craig Cabanis, "Knowing God with the Psalmist"

How about you?

Okay, So now what do I do?

That's just one of the questions I was left with tonight after a ten minute conversation bringing back the reality of school. This summer has been full. The past month has been full. It could have even been alot more so if I had gotten my license by now... that's another story altogether. I've traveled several times, growing in decision-making, common sense, and wisdom in what it means to function well as a group and an individual apart of a said group. I am being challenged to see my family and home as a true training ground in responsibility, serving, diligence and having a joyful heart. My parents and I have grown closer through conversations in which they help me to see my sin and turn toward God; to trust Him in the circumstances I've been in. He's been at work.

That aforementioned conversation, which centered around the application process for colleges, has me thinking. Three years ago, I dreamed of attending an Ivy League school and was, if not already on that track, ready to put myself there- long, grueling hours, days completely full of schoolwork, dedication and excellence, or rather, excellence by my own perception and definition. Between then and now a story has unfolded.

Sophomore year was marked by falling asleep in my beanbag chair while reading biology or world history; I was sick with mono and I had no control or choice. I rearranged my bedroom to be able to do school and watch movies all from my bed. I saw Fiddler on the Roof for the first time during those months! God's grace shone as I completed four semesters of work in three. He showed me that it can be just as gratifying and beautiful to complete a requirement as to go beyond it.

Junior year is the hardest academically; senior year is the hardest emotionally.
Or so I'd heard. I still find myself analyzing that statement and rummaging through my mind to try to determine whether I'd say my life has agreed with that common generalization. Academically, wasn't my best. I had achievements... I got through APUSH. History and English/writing were solid core courses. Bible, volunteering and other electives were numerous. Amid that, it seems I didn't get all I needed and balance was lacking. Chemistry labs and Spanish were shady. But the Lord knows, and there lies my trust. Truth is truth, despite any fears. Emotionally- wow. We moved. I'd dreaded that event for my whole preteen and teen life. My childhood is over. We left the place where it happened; its memory. For the sake of honesty and reality, yes it would be memory still if we hadn't moved...

I held great plans for my schoolwork this summer; it was to be a launching point. None of them have happened yet. Not a single study book for the SAT or ACT test has been opened let alone registered for. Only two colleges have been visited. I have no idea how to write an application essay. I still have no solid idea for a senior project let alone any work done on one. The home economics course I finally sought to do has only sort of panned out. No garden, and a little reading. A desire to cook has emerged that I'd never really had, lots of cleaning has been done and much general care given as Mom's been sick. Faith is having hope for what one doesn't see... I don't see much; but God makes something out of nothing everyday.

Disclaimer: I would delve into the ways that this summer produced great things, despite my "great plans" not coming about... but that would take me into numerous other directions from where this thought train is heading. So. Ask, and sure, I will gladly tell some stories of the beautiful and lovely things that have come my way!

An underlying realization- I don't know what I am supposed to do. For months, I've been in a state of holding unanswered questions. Oh God has been good. He's shown me I truly am His chosen daughter. I am free from condemnation from sin; and do not need to fear making mistakes. I need not seek man's approval but rather if I shall open my heart to my Abba, Father and just be His, according to the glorious calling He has given me, all will be well. He is truly my best friend and only through His love for me do I love Him or anyone else. I spent last week being refreshed and anchored by truth and God's presence. "...and all my questions that are unresolved don’t change the wisdom of Your will..." -Out of the Depths Light is just starting to shine in this area. Every season has its purpose. 

He ordained that ten-minute conversation just as He has ordained my occupation with other areas of life outside of education the past few months. There is a reason I haven't thought of it and that I am thinking of it now. God is in control of time.

He's molding me, into what I don't know, but is that knowledge something I need?

Is not the process of creation just as beautiful, meaningful and adventurously challenging if not more than any finished piece of art?

Completion & Preparation

Tomorrow: high school evaluation, long awaited and well-planned for. I'm ready. Math wasn't fabulous and chemistry could have been better; but hey, music and drama is pretty nice and honors English is great... and I survived APUSH. I didn't flunk! I learned much this year; and this week I've still been absorbing the lessons as I look back over everything and see it come to an end. 

YOUTH CAMP.

I love camp. 

It's neat to be saying that going into camp, instead of while coming away as I did last year. 

God is working in my heart. I am SO excited and that excitement is increasing each day. My stomach starts fluttering and I become speechless when I really delve into the emotions surrounding this part of the summer. I desire to meet God and am expectant that He will be there because He's already here, now, today, yesterday, Sunday. 

The supremacy of Christ is becoming evident in my life through situations, responses and conversations. I am waiting and hoping that God expands on the power found in that concept at camp. 

One more reason for excitement: A girl from our softball team is coming to camp! An uncanny and relaxed conversation led to an invitation which turned into action. God is just too cool.

Project Ideas & Gratitude

New thought on the school front: What should I do for a senior project?

The few people I've asked this week responded with "What are your guidelines?" and the word "fundraising" came up a few times. I'm honestly quite content with having fundraised for the pregnancy center (and hopefully again next year) and though volunteering is a possibility, I've got a good amount going in that realm already through church-related activities. Being home-schooled, there are no guidelines, at least I don't think there should be.

An extended photography project or collection was immediately what came to mind; but I'm still thinking. 

God has been providing conversations lately with folks who have experience and a Biblical viewpoint on different majors or schools I have interest in. To hear information from a source other than a website, book or college-sponsored event is priceless. Each person has been apart of guess what- the local church. I know my parents are grateful and so am I. 
Thanks Lord!

Looking at Our House

We were in the neighborhood having visited Dad's parents after lunch and then stopped quickly to grab & give a hug to dad's brother and our cousin.

"Hey Dad, go past the house."
"Okay, but nobody get weird or anything."
"We've got to stop and see them [the neighbors]. They've got to be home. Let's surprise them!" said Mum.

It was a lovely, lovely visit. Our families hadn't seen each other since the tearful night before and actual November moving day.  Just to talk and laugh, we always do! To be someplace completely familiar, in a house that I've been familiar with since I could walk and even before, to be with people who were so much like family and always right next door. The words sweet and precious come to mind. We actually opened our Christmas presents... Many dates had been set to get together, but it hadn't happened. There we were today and there the presents had been for months. Theirs are still in our dining room. 

This is the point of the story where a slight correction is needed. The post title should read: Looking at what was our house... felt really, really odd. Mum & Dad admitted the same. We'd driven past at Thanksgiving then Christmas and seen it barren of decorations, but today was different. We were outside of the car, walking around, up to our neighbors house. Everything seemed more personal. I had an urge several times to just go over, run in the yard, swing open the shed or walk up the front steps. I even wanted to go up to the door, ring the bell and just say, "I used to live here. Yay! How do you like it? 'cause I loved it completely." My parents joked the reply would be, "And...so...what?"

I wanted to do what I'd done everyday since I was born; but I didn't. I couldn't. None of it was mine anymore. In fact, some of it was even gone. Our hand prints and names were all in the cement holding down the blue, green and white striped swing set. They had taken it down- no kids. The red chinese maple with our names carved in it was huge. I used to sit under that tree for hours, talking to myself, dreaming and playing with rocks, flowers, grass, sticks, reading books. One of my dad's business signs was hidden under the lattice of the steps. I wonder why he left it... 

I wonder if they noticed any of the things we left behind: the writing in the crawl spaces, did they read the gospel verse?! The above mentioned hand-prints and carvings, the windows cut into the side of the shed from when it was our playhouse, the height markings on the basement closet doorway, the footprints pressed in the garage floor. The footprints weren't ours, but we always liked them. I know the holes from our homemade basketball hoop have to still be in the brick of the house on the deck... but they'll never see them. Of course, who would? Yet, I know they're there. That house has us all over it. My dad did so much work... and it was all beautiful. I'm not sure if I appreciated or saw it before, maybe. I know I did today.

There was a plastic duck on the porch. A plastic duck... oh my. Plastic ducks (you know, the kind that can be dressed for any and all seasons) aren't, well, I just never imagined a plastic duck sitting on that front porch. I know, they're kitsch... but not in a good way for me. They're not bad, just make me wince then laugh. Kevin thought of all kinds of funny things they could have done to the inside, and some not so funny things actually. I laughed at them all when he was talking though.

Hopefully the members of the family who owned the house we bought will drive by. But I want them to come in, say hello, to say as I wanted to say this afternoon, "I lived here. I loved this house. It meant something to me and was part of my life. Here's why..." To play a record on the turntable even! A house is just a house; but still, some houses are homes. This is now our home, but it was someone else's too. That seems to mean something in my mind. It just doesn't seem right not to know who lived here and what these rooms meant to them; or for the people with the plastic duck not to know who we were/are. It could be that I'm asking for too much information and I really don't want to know all that... possibly.

Moving is something I'll remember as a part of the transition from being a kid to a young adult/teenager. I feel like today was a "growing up" day. I couldn't change the fact that the old house now belonged to someone else*, someone I don't know, or that they most likely would never know about me, my family or the consequential moments for us at that very address. The moments remain; the location has changed. Reality wasn't harsh but was firm, kinda stark, yet sprinkled with joy. 

It's life.

As I wrote on the rafters:

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." -Job 1:21

& guess what - the Lord gave again and continues to give. 

*The flip-side is that we now have a wonderful new house which is appreciated and loved!

Completion

The week of the paper has gone. I survived. 

It's looooong. 

Alot of people have trouble writing enough words to meet a requirement. I deal with the opposite--writing too many--and it truly isn't any better of a situation. It's not a masterpiece and I could definitely use a teacher's help in proofing it sometime. I like it though and am thankful for the grace I can see poured out over every page written.

Chinese Rice. The Kennedys & One Precious 'I love You'

I had a slight skip in my walk and I was humming around the kitchen from the refrigerator to counter to the other counter space. Rice left over from chinese takeout two night ago went right into the microwave, set for 1 minute. Thoughts during the above procession included calculating how much of my first draft I had left to type out, how many hours it would take me, whether I might be able to go to softball practice and oh, ya, how am I going to fit in the math test I have to take? Amazing how rapidly the brain travels from one thing to the next. I peered around the cabinets and through the window of the kitchen and back room- hey it's spring out there! I could see that irresistable sunshine that I knew I had to resist. Soon enough... summer.

I remembered a friend recently remembering how in elementary school she would be finished with schoolwork at 11am and go "trampling" and exploring outside all day. "It was like two and a half years of vacation." Hmm. Ya, those years were great for me too- all the field trips, we went everywhere. All the art projects- art was transcendent throughout every other subject. Oh those projects where we painted to classical music... The littlest came out of the bedroom and with that same skip in his step I had moments before, came into the kitchen. "Hey, did you guys buy that outfit (new swimming trunks and a surf shirt) yesterday?" I got a huge hug and heard, "I love you. I love you so much." 

The moment passed. The microwave had gone off in the midst of it and so I got out my rice and headed back to my laptop and paper on the Kennedy family. 

Homeschooling's my thing. And all the why in the world is in this story.

This Post Should Have a Picture In it But Doesnt

I missed an amazing, and I mean amazing sunset a few nights ago. Didn't see a hint of it. And our yard has such a perfect view too. Thinking about it now sorta made me sad... Am I missing other things? Maybe I'm just seeing different events with a different perspective and not actually missing out.

Spring came so fast. I was completely unprepared for Easter. I heard that it came "as early as possible" this year though and that was a comfort- there was actually science behind my feeling behind.

I'm mentally gearing up for this week and seriously need to stop talking about it and just do what I need to do. I've gotten myself in a schoolwork hole (more like canyon but looking on the bright side never hurt anyone) and it's either climb out or, well, climb out. The consequences seem too big, mean and bad right now to spend any more than 10 seconds thinking about them. Inconceivable. 

AHHHHHH!

This too shall pass. This week will soon be over. 

May 9th will soon be history. hah. bad pun, not on purpose. May 9th is the APUSH exam day.

 It's getting there that's gonna be interesting. I know it'll all be over before I know it, but how is getting there gonna look? What is life if its not interesting though?

But I am so frequently looking towards the end of an assignment, the end of school, the end of this so that can start. And I dislike so much what that does to all the process, the middle, the good stuff. 

I've Been Getting Mail... lots of it.

I have this crate in the corner of the dining room. It's my mail crate, specifically mail from colleges who are "very eager to hear back" from me.  I find the attempts to speak like we're old friends in the quite generalized letters amusing to read through. There are two or three that are the size of half a newspaper sheet; one or two are the size of index cards. Postcards, business form letters, how to choose your major surveys, lists, timelines, creative graphics and photography and then the not so creative-- its all included. There are several stakes of envelopes inside the crate: high potential, might happen and not a chance.

• The high potential pamphlets or letters are from schools close to home and that appeal to me. There are a few that fill just one of the requirements instead of both, but on the whole, its got to be a double-whammy to make it into the high potential section.
• The might happen's are from schools which are close to home but I dont like as much or farther away (farther than I will go in reality) but that still are appealing. If I didnt have parents who cared where I went to school or if I could have a map picturing all of the schools possible to attend, I might put my figure down on one of them, maybe. 
• The not-a-chancers are the obscure, the distant and the where in the world is that town let alone the college in the town... or maybe the college pretty much is the life of the town? Minnesota, Michigan, California, Illinois, Dallas (Pennsylvania), Florida. We're not talking UCLA, here... ever heard of Pitzer College? 

Pensacola Christian Academy went from high potential to not-a-chance last year I think it was, so this isnt a caste system; and there are several schools which arent placed simply because I dont know how to view them. 

What the schools choose to boast about is always interesting:

• "The Great Book College...the college for readers, real readers." College can already have a tremendous reading load; can you imagine how it is there?
  
• "An extraordinary college...with a difference." Isnt something that's extraordinary already different from the ordinary?
  
• "Individuals. Inspired." I like that one... artsy.
  
• "It fits." The pamphlet is covered in pictures of shoes. 
  

John Cabot university didn't have an interesting slogan, but they're located in Rome, Italy so they're worth mentioning. American University in Washington, D.C., Shimer, and Barnard College of NYC win the award for best graphics and design. The front of Hillsdale College of Michigan's pamphlet was sweet in that it reminded me of the Yale website. One college had a bright yellow envelope with the one word in blue on the front: HELLO. 

Have I gotten a letter from "the one" yet? It dawned on me the other day that I have to pick one school. One. How does that choice happen? What if I make the wrong choice? And oh my, I'm so indecisive. The answer: God has chosen and I need to place confidence in His transcendent grace and omniscience in my life. Yes, I need to seek, but He is faithful even when I am not. He brings me back to working when I couldnt care less, when I say, "forget it all I'm gonna go be a Bohemian poet." Whatever happens in my life, I'm safe; I'm saved and accepted because Christ, in my place was forsaken by His Father on the cross. 

This isnt a post about a recent exciting happening, though I could have written about a few. This is a post about a part of my daily life at the moment, the joy of getting mail (even when it is related to schoolwork), recognizing the pleasant nature of humble things in life, and listening for words from God even when you're not hearing voices. 

Not the Morning I was Hoping for

DISCLAIMER: I didnt realize that this post could very well be taken wrongly, and I apologize for not specifying why these lyrics were posted. This morning I was disappointed over seeing test scores and generally depressed about recent schoolwork. After reading my scores which I'd waited a few weeks for, I prayed, thought and had time with the Lord. He brought the chorus of this song to mind. Now that I think, I dont know when the last time I heard this song was before today... Upon looking up the video (link posted in chorus meant as credit), I was encouraged. Yes, this song was written by a man coping with death and may very well be on the dramatic side to apply it to test scores; but the Lord cared for me through these words today. Below the picture is a quote from a situation of someone encouraging another in the context of test scores that I heard once.

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near

Thanks Sarah for the thought that [by Christ alone] I'll "still win in life..."

Growing in Discipline: Tidbits

There's a cry in my heart for Your glory to fall, for Your presence to fill up my senses.
There's a yearning again; a thirst for discipline, a hunger for things that are deeper.

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart could I go there with You?
For I've been here before, but I know there's still more- Oh, Lord, I need to know You.

For what do I have if I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life could mean any more?
You are my rock; You are my glory
You are the lifter of my head, the lifter of this head

Just finished this book. Took this one off of the shelf this one last night.

That Starfield lyric line about having a thirst for discipline, that's me right now. I've been wasting my days. I've been given the ability and responsibility to manage my schoolwork, my education! Maybe I've attempted on my own and here I am with satisfactory progress this year, moving confusing granted. ;-) I have tried, and have sought the Lord for help on different levels. Maybe I didnt do either of those completely or enough. What I know is: I have been irresponsibly and continually squandering the time in which to accomplish tasks.

first |fərst|
coming before all others in time or order; earliest; fundamental
met with or encountered before any others; foremost in position, rank, or importance
our first priority; foremost, principal, highest, greatest, paramount, top, uppermost, prime, chief, leading, main, major; overriding, predominant, prevailing, central, core, dominant;

Yesterday I was discouraged. Last and this week I've been trying to wake up earlier- a hard thing. I want to even say tortorous some days. How the morning plays out can have such an effect on the rest of the day. Bad morning, not so much work gets done before lunch, school has to go until dinner or after oh, and ya, I probably never changed out of my pajamas or touched my hair.

On a positive note, today has been a day of small victories. I woke up and started school by 8:30. It's 2pm and I've finished all but half of an argumentation lecture and history reading, oooh, maybe I need to do some essay prep too. The source of praise, whether I have a bad or a good day, is that God is giving me to grace to have transcendent joy.. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..." has continually been on the brain since the reference to it in a friendship message at YPCG awhile back and due to reading the above linked Mark Pearce book, which was a fabulous read by the way. First. It's highly probably that devotions was not the first thing I did upon waking up. Yes, devotions are wonderful; meeting God and experiencing his Word is irreplacable and we should thirst for it. However, I am growing in consciously keeping Christ first in my heart and mind throughout the day (whether I was able to begin it in such a fashion or not).

“Nothing can be more hurtful to the service, than the neglect of discipline; for that discipline, more than numbers, gives one army the superiority over another”
-George Washington